A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a comparative religion class...

So we've all heard about the drastic failures of American public schools, and how high-school seniors can't find their ass on a map of the country and whatnot. Gentle readers, Time is deeply concerned about this state of affairs, so much so that the cover of their April 2nd issue boldly purports to prove "Why We Should Teach the Bible in Public School (But Very, Very Carefully)." I'd like to propose an alternate cover article, maybe something like "Why We Should Shut the Hell Up Until We Have Something Meaningful to Say About This Hoary Yet Unceasingly Controversial Topic."

It's not really discussing the Bible in a classroom setting that bothers me, I'll get to that in a second, it's the fact that the article basically boils down to "we should teach the Bible, not religion." I'd like to offer everyone involved a tasty shake with that penetrating McArgument. Like, a comparative religion class is a great idea, frankly. Everything outside of Christianity is so mystifying to us as a country, and it's just retarded to look at Judaism, or Islam, or any other long-established religion as some kind of wacky fad. But, this David Van Biema goober in Time is a little too focused on the Bible in particular, and as always when this subject comes up, I get concerned over whether we're talking about teaching or converting.

The article doesn't really piss me off that bad, it's simply a waste of time because there's nothing new in it. The author mentions a few facts about the history of the debate, and drops the "fact" that the Bible is "the most influential book ever written" (almost certainly true, but something about the definitive tone doesn't sit right), thus proving that it should not be ignored in any comprehensive educational setting. Again, I pretty much agree, but seriously, why is this a cover story? I know several agnostics and atheists, and they all know the Bible is a materially important book, no matter their opinion of it, but maybe that's because none of them are stupid. The guy also asks rhetorically whether teaching the Bible wouldn't play into both secularists' and evangelicals' hands, then answers by way of saying "Yes. Both. Which may suggest that each is exaggerating its claim." OK…seriously, what does that mean? There's a paragraph that quotes a secularist, and one that quotes an evangelical, but it still doesn't explain the reasoning behind that cutesy bullshit. Then there's some stuff about a couple of proposed curricula, and his observations of a classroom wherein a Bible class is being taught. That's it. End of story. Whoopty-fucking-doo.

The only thing that kind of grabbed me was this paragraph:

"A BASIC QUESTION: WHY TEACH THE BIBLE and not comparative religion? It may not be necessary to provide Islam, Buddhism or Hinduism with equal time, but it seems misguided to ignore faiths that millions of Americans practice each day; and a glance at the headlines further argues for an omnibus course. Yet could a school demand that its already overloaded kids take one elective if they take the other?"

Well, actually, it's absolutely fucking necessary to devote equal time to other religions, if what we're really talking about here is the broad, humanistic process that is true education. This is where it feels a little like the author wants to crank up the temperature in the Easy Bake Christian-Making Oven. Stir in a Bible, sprinkle the briefest of lip services to "other religious texts," and broil for four years of high-school at Fahrenheit 451. It's not that I am seeing some grand conspiracy here, just the opposite; it's the breezy "oh shit, I almost forgot to name-check that Islam thing in one single fucking sentence" forgetfulness of everything outside the comfort zone. I mean, the guy seems neutral enough in tone, and he talks enough about the constitutionality of Bible education that I know he isn't a dumb-ass, but, what would a dumb-ass think about this subject? I don't like any of the answers I come up with for that.

For example, I think about how a Bible class would play out in my not-so-enlightened hometown of Corinth, Mississippi. And, first of all, I am truly grateful to my parents for never forcing me to go to church in Corinth, which anyone could tell you is strangled socially, culturally, and economically by an incredibly noxious mixture of ignorant "Christian" assholes. I mean, I haven't read the local laws or stone tablets or whatever the fuck real closely, but I know liquor sales are illegal, and possibly dancing, or looking at any given sex organ for more than five seconds. Anyway, all that being said, how can anyone expect in fairness that small-town teachers like the ones I grew up with talk about the Qur'an when everything in their environment begs them to be scared as shit of Muslims? I don't expect every teacher to be perfectly objective when dealing with such powerfully divisive subject matter, but that's kind of the point in NOT TEACHING THIS SHIT IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE. Jesus. The plain fact is that Christianity is not going to scare the bad old alternative religious beliefs away, so, if you can't talk about them all and sundry with due diligence and without freaking out, then the Bible as taught in school is nothing more than an extension of whatever you're getting in Sunday school. So, what's the point? Oh yeah, that's right, turning the whole of American society into a crazy Dobson fundamentalist zombie factory. My bad, I forgot. Queer killin' rocks!

Like I said before, I'm not feeling a grand conspiracy about this particular issue stated in this particular way, but it's just a little too risky to me. God knows I hate to trot out the tired old "slippery slope" routine for any length of time, but seriously, this kind of shit could get ugly if we aren't careful. I guess I could compare it to Pandora's Box. Booyah...Jason's ability to draw a metaphor from a mythological source, 1, America's subtly and not-so-subtly instilled Christian idioms, 0. Suck on THAT, Bible!!!

Manliness…BY GOD

"Manliness" has to be just about the biggest single piece of bullshit emotional baggage that men carry. Men have hungrily abused both substances and other humans in general throughout history for the purposes of manliness. Men are drowned in this shit from the time they are children, and I'm sad to say many of us don't get through it unscarred to become actual human people. Men die sooner than women in its mindless service. In celebration of the incredibly stupid-ass concept of manliness, I'd like to list a few of my favorite things that are manly enough to put fucking hair on your chest:

1. Wife beating
   
2. Rape
   
3. Misogyny of other unspecified types (see: referring to women by any term other than women, "LET'S GO GET SOME BITCHES")
   
4. Homophobia (see: gay bashing, assault, fucking murder)
   
5. Inferiority complex (see: giant Earth-devouring trucks, sports cars)
   
6. Fear of intimacy (see: "she actually wants me to TALK to her")
7. Repression of emotion, subsequent depression, alcoholism, murder-suicides
   
8. Lack of meaningful heterosexual relationships (see: man whoring, "LET'S GO GET SOME BITCHES")
   
9. Lack of intimate friendships of any kind (see: "dudes don't talk about that stuff," repressed homosexuality)
   
10. The goddamn fucking back-clap hug
    
11. Every fucking thing about That Guy (see: you know EXACTLY who I am talking about, "LET'S GO GET SOME BITCHES")
    
12. "Masculine" play fighting (see: dudes who can't actually fight but feel like they have to try, also repressed homosexuality AGAIN)
    
13. Excessive Bible thumping about only MANLY concepts (see: Church of Christ, "barefoot and pregnant")
    
14. Disgusting conception of sexuality (see "old enough to bleed, old enough to breed," "LET'S GO GET SOME BITCHES")
    
15. The phrase "LET'S GO GET SOME BITCHES" or its usage
    
16. The continuing existence of Hummers: not the sex act, the fucking mega-huge, cock-substitute trucks (see: penis enlargement pills, creams, surgeries, magic spells)
    

GO MANLINESS!!! I NEED A BEER AND A SHOTGUN!!!

I'm all about Chapter 5

So I decided that I would try writing a blog for a while. I've tried something similar before, and I have always gotten bored with it way fast, but I figure what the hell, might be fun to give it a shot again. But, I have a small problem...I kinda think blogging is stupid, at least in a personal form. I really, REALLY think the word "blogging" is stupid, but bear with me. I know, tons of people have blogs and write in them all the time, and I guess they all get something out of it, which is cool if it works for you. I see how it can be valuable as a creative outlet, or as a surrogate rooftop to shout from. And sure, maybe some suicidal kid writes all about how his parents dont understand him or whatever and he averts going down the road, not across it with a razorblade, and that's great, especially if he has no one else to talk to. But I think that's my problem with the whole thing. No way can blogging replace human contact.

In other words, it's not a way to get attention, or at least, not the best way. If you're upset, talk to your friends, or your family, or whomever you're dating, or a counselor, or SOMEONE. All the "GEE I AM SORY U R FEELIN BAD" comments in the world are no substitute for another person, and every time I read sad or depressing shit in someone's blog, I find myself wondering whether the person is really in pain or is acting out a cheesy Real World-esque pity invitation scenario. If it's the former, then how about actually PICKING UP THE PHONE AND CALLING YOUR FRIENDS instead of hoping they might happen to read how you're doing? If it's the latter, why not just videotape your goddam "pain" and send it into a nice "reality" show, or better yet, SIGN UP FOR FUCKING COMMUNITY THEATER? The interaction between blogger and reader is such a poor imitation of socialization, all the empathy without the muss and fuss of actually being present, and I just can't get behind it as a means of dealing with a serious problem. Don't get me wrong, my horse isn't that high, since I'm obviously gonna be spouting whatever bullshit comes into my head using the very medium I criticize. It's just that the sanitized, disconnected environment of blog introspection bugs me from a "the Internet pushes us farther apart" standpoint. Seriously, go to a bar, get piss drunk, and yammer at strangers if you're feeling lonely and pathetic. Drunken public rambling is a time-honored way to catch anonymous pity, and at least you're talking to real people.

Now, I do think blogs have become a pretty good alternative news and commentary source, especially considering how the American media pretty well suck out loud. Of course, blogging in this context may not be on your radar unless you lean toward the liberal/progressive end of politics, so if anybody gets a stroke from following the links above, well, I'll come visit you at the hospital. As bloggers move toward writing for a broader goal, and away from seeking personal validation, a more viable sort of community appears, one more like the community you form with your neighbors; you might not see or talk to them much, but you definitely share something in common, something worth respecting and protecting. In this broader sense, blogging is effective as a means of communicating with a larger group of people, those whom you wouldn't be likely to reach otherwise. I think blogging can be a great tool for grassroots organization in support of any cause, and its foundation in the Internet means that it will be harder for The Man to co-opt. That part is really, really cool, so definitely, blogs have their uses.

Anyway, I won't be using MySpace as a depression megaphone, and I won't be using it to boost my self-confidence. For me, this will be a place to practice writing, something that I'm interested in doing more, as well as a way to blow off some steam. I don't know exactly what I'll write about, but it'll probably be funny, so there's that. I can tell you that there will definitely be some pop culture shit. Also, there will be about as much political opinionating as I can stand without stroking out. (Please note re: opinionating that there is a limit to the amount of arguing I will do with anyone. This is because, as I mentioned, I would like to release tension, not add more, and also because I really don't give a shit about Internet arguments, which are about as well-reasoned as your average toddler. Special exceptions made if both parties seem to be actually learning from each other, but again, up to the point where I just quit caring. I am in no way interested in hosting a half-assed MySpace debate club. Cheers!) Mostly, though, expect some random shit, I might even "write" "creatively" a little. Be warned.

Finally, I really am making sweet love to Chapter 5 so you won't see me write the word "blog" or any of its stupid derivations (like the really despisable "blogosphere") too often. I especially hate saying blog out loud, it sounds too much like a combination of the word "blah" and a barfing noise. So y'all feel free to take bets on how long I will be able to give a shit about blogging. And put me down for three weeks.