Stanks on a Plane

...is what that piece of shit should have been called. I saw it on opening weekend, actually, and I forgot to say just how much it sucked. Now, before anyone gets all "but it's just supposed to be a badass funny movie about snakes," yeah, no shit, I know that. But the thing is, it wasn't really badass, and it definitely wasn't funny. At all. Well, I take that back, it was funny exactly four times, and all four of those times were when Samuel L. Jackson said "fuck." That's right, HE SAID IT ONLY FOUR TIMES IN THE WHOLE BLASTED THING!

What the hell? Any right-thinking Hollywood executive should demand that a movie where Samuel L. Jackson appears alongside vicious(ly fake-looking) snakes also include profanity in at least every fifth line. Don't those executives know that a lot of his immediate appeal, at least to people who like dumbass movies, comes from his righteous delivery of any derivation of the word "fuck"? Yeah, he's a great actor, no doubt, and he's been in some great stuff. Still, if he's at that phase in his career where he feels accomplished enough and wants to fuck around in killer snake flicks from time to time, that's fine, he's still awesome. All I ask is that whatever stupid-ass movies he chooses to honor with his presence be filled with dirty words and, preferably, him beating the shit out of white people. Is that so wrong? I mean, some girl gets like a twenty-second titty snakebite, 'cause HAHAHA TITYS R AWESUM THEY RAWK, and I can't even get a pistol-whipping for the dorky surfer kid? (And, seriously, a fucking titty snakebite? Who wrote this shit, a used-car salesman with a subscription to Hustler?)

If you're like me, and a good "motherfucker" is music to your ears, then keep this around so you can listen to Sam curse any time you want:

Samuel L. Jackson soundboard